Life can be hard when you have nobody to talk to, i mean really talk to about what’s going on in your head. All the sick and twisted images and voices that just bring you down over and over again. Only people you meet is coming once a week with medication and just ask the same questions over and over again that it sickens me.
All alone and you just needed a hug or some kind words now and then. The only love you have is drugs and music, but that’s not the right type of love, that love will only fuck up your life even further until the appartment is a mess and you get this mental block that you can’t cross. So even shopping or getting the mail can be the hardest thing to do, you just freeze up. That leads to depression and a feeling of hopelessness, abandonment. resentment, anger and thoughts of suicide.
Social media don’t make it any better, nobody engage in conversation. What’s the point? Really don’t want to talk with many people, only a chosen few regulars usually. Sometimes it’s the coffee activating some strange shit in my head that makes me a pain in the ass but i do all i can try regulate. Don’t know where the road goes here, really dont care eighter. It’s nothing new happening when you’ve had internet since you were 7. Nothing really shocks me, but i’ve seen some shit i wish i did’nt see. Shit that makes you loose hope in humanity, but i can’t unsee it.
I don’t want nor will i try to fit in groups in society. I don’t belong anywhere, just a wierd guy you see once in a while in some strange behaviour. I try not to care too much about most stuff, to make life easier to handle. But i feel lost in a world gone mad. I see no future or have any hope for humanity. Yes, you may call it negative but to be realistic i wouldnt give life into the coming age. Guess i’m a nihilist then but i wanna be realistic about it.
Well that was depressing but another day another brain-chemistry i guess using stimulants for days eventually going to come crashing down sooner or later, but hey that’s the way she blows.
My life: An constant search for knowledge and keys to the universe, to the extent it hurts knowing things you rather wish you did’nt know.
I don’t know when it started but i know where it will end.